Expessing myself without a camera

A morning cold and grey

Today I awoke way before the sun embraced my part of the world to take a stroll in the snowy landscape. It has become an almost daily ritual by now, hear a familiar song in the alarm clock, slowly open my eyes and reluctantly leave the warm embrace of my covers for my body to be accustomed to the still air of a cold room which has won the battle against the fire at the fireplace trying desperately with its last breath not to die. Yet today wasn’t like any other ordinary day, i felt cold yes but my heart was cold as well. She never came in my sleep last night you see and the cold began its journey from my heart all the way to my toes. I wrapped all the layers of clothes I could find in the dark around me disguising my self as an “onion”, grabbed my backpack and opened the door.

A 30 kilogram puppy, a complete oaf, and a handsome cinnamon – white authoritative middle aged dog, the chief of the gang, the father of the oaf, were waiting for me outside the door. I didn’t expect them to follow me, usually this time of day, when the darkness is giving way to the light creeping in, is the time where they return from their night adventures in the mountains, so I was pleasantly surprised when I heard the muted sound of their paws on the snow while walking up the steep cobbled road leading towards the exit of the village. Be quiet and watchful I whispered to them for we don’t want to scare anything away. Two large halfbreed and a cold dark figure is a scary sight for the unsuspected. Once a passing traveler by the village saw the oaf and asked what breed he was and with his heavy local accent Plato the beekeeper, who was around, said “Half pointer, half rube”. So the “chief” is a rube but a proud rube and a worthy companion of my cold dark figure. The “chief” heard me and was walking slowly, slightly ahead of me lazily waggling his fat cinnamon tail with the white tip. The oaf on the other hand was walking on an imaginary trampoline jumping up and down on all fours, racing back and forth, left and right. Occasionally he would return to the “chief” provoking him, challenging him to a race but to no avail. The “chief” knows, he understands me, we are walking with a cause, no time for games, there is a place to be and a time to get there, we are being expected. We were walking silently down the path each buried in his own thoughts and the oaf in the biggest imaginary bone he has ever seen. His apparent invisible friend must have been holding that bone pretty high cause he was jumping ever higher as he was walking downhill. An eerie stillness was around us, the weather was closing in on us. Everything was white and gray with an occasional diffused yellow brushstroke from the headlights of a car moving sluggishly on the hazardous corners of the road underneath.

We walked for quite a while more on the narrow path  hoping to find her, hopping for some warmth, but she never came. The bonds holding her away still strong. The “chief” understood it and at some point he stayed behind just starring at me. Time to go back he gestured with his look and he was right. It isn’t right walking in the snow with a cold heart he continued and he was right again. Back to the cold room then I said, a fitting scenery for my dampened spirits. Why didn’t she come in my sleep? A frozen rain begun to fall making the trek back painful on the exposed parts of my body. It was falling down hard ripping the last remaining yellow leafs which were desperately trying to cling on their partially covered with snow black trunks. Our steps slow, unwited, sorrowful, except for the oaf of course. He showed up a while later from a bend down the path with a puzzling look in his eyes silently asking why the hell are we turning back, but as we turned our back on him he had no other choice but to follow.  We reached the entrance of the village and they disappeared announcing their return with a loud bark. I returned to my even colder than before empty bed. I didn’t undress, I didn’t have the courage. I just let my body fall on the mattress with my clothes still on. I thought about covering myself but there was no point. The thickest cover is no good when it comes to warming a cold heart.

A familiar song echoed in my ears, the alarm clock. why? I was awake yet suddenly the room turned to black and a blink of an eye later I was awake. A dream within a dream. I woke up. I knew where I had to be and what time to be there.

I was warm

3 Comments

  • Carrie on Feb 05, 2013 Reply

    I’m glad you are good. It makes me happy for you to be happy. *hugs*

  • Carrie on Jan 29, 2013 Reply

    You painted quite the picture. :) Are you liking your change of scenery?

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